Codependency: Begin to plan the escape

co.de.pen.dence (co.di.pen´.dens) n. [root ME. dependaunce < OFr. dependance or ML. dependentia < L. dependens]. Also written co-dependence. The condition or fact of being codependent; specifically, a) tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one’s own, b) continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others, c) anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation, d) difficulty expressing feelings, e) excessive worry how others may respond to one’s feelings, f) undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others, g) self-esteem dependent on approval by others, h) tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others.<!–

Codependency: Involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships that don’t work.

Characteristics

Codependents may,

• Think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
• Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
• Feel compelled –almost forced — to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
• Wonder why others don’t do the same for them.
• Don’t really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
• Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
• Try to please others instead of themselves.
• Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
• Feel safest when giving.
• Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
• Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
• Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don’t have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
• Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
• Over commit themselves.
• Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used

After the cut there are more characteristics… I can apply most of them to me. Sad but true.

Codependents tend to:

• Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
• Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents — something codependents regularly do to themselves.
• Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation)
• Take things personally.
• Have been victims of alcoholism.
• Be afraid of making mistakes.
• Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
• Have a lot of “shoulds”.
• Try to help other people live their lives instead.
• Try to prove they’re good enough for other people.
• Settle for being needed.
• Feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
• Worry about the silliest things.
• Think and talk a lot about other people.
• Lose sleep over problems or other people’s behavior.
• Worry
• Never Find answers.
• Check on people.
• Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
• Abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.
• Focus all their energy on other people and problems.
• Wonder why they never have any energy.
• Wonder why they can’t get things done.
• Ignore problems or pretend they aren’t happening.
• Pretend circumstances aren’t as bad as they are.
• Tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
• Stay busy so they don’t have to think about things.
• Get depressed or sick.
• Spend money compulsively.
• Overeat.
• Watch problems get worse.
• Believe lies.
• Wonder why they feel like they’re going crazy.
• Don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
• Look for happiness outside themselves.
• Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
• Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness.
• Don’t love themselves.
• Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
• Believe other people are never there for them.
• Equate love with pain.
• Try to prove they’re good enough to be loved.
• Don’t take time to see if other people are good for them.
• Don’t take time to figure out if they love or like other people.
• Center their lives around other people.
• Look for relationships to provide all their good feelings.
• Lost interest in their own lives when they love.
• Worry other people will leave them.
• Stay in relationships that don’t work.
• Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
• Feel trapped in relationships.
• Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don’t work either.
• Find it difficult to get to the point.
• Aren’t sure what the point is.
• Try to say what they think will please people.
• Eliminate the word NO from their vocabulary.
• Want to express their opinions until they know other people’s opinions.
• Have a difficult time asserting their rights.
• Say they won’t tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
• Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.
• Let others hurt them.
• Keep letting others hurt them.
• Wonder why they hurt so badly.
• Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
• Finally get angry.
• Don’t trust other people.
• Try to trust untrustworthy people.
• Feel very scared, hurt, and angry
• Live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
• Are afraid of their own anger.
• Are frightened of other people’s anger.
• Feel controlled by other people’s anger.
• Repress their angry feelings.
• Are afraid to make other people feel anger.
• Cry a lot, get depressed, overact, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
• Punish other people for making the codependents angry.
• Have been shamed for feeling angry.
• Feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
• Feel safer with their anger than hurt feelings.
• Wonder if they’ll ever not be angry.
• Are caretakers in the bedroom.
• Have sex when they don’t want to.
• Have sex when they’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
• Try to have sex when they’re angry or hurt.
• Are afraid of losing control.
• Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
• Make up reasons to abstain
• Be extremely responsible or Be extremely irresponsible.
• Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
• Have an overall passive response to codependency — crying, hurt, helplessness.
• Combine passive and aggressive responses.
• Vacillate in decisions and emotions.
• Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
• Cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
• Feel lethargic.
• Feel depressed.
• Become withdrawn and isolated.
• Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
• Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.